THE WINNING DISH RECIPE
Step 1: Set oven to 425F
Step 2: Out of curiosity, see how high your oven temperature goes. 550? Do that. Hotter things cook quicker, everyone knows that.
Step 3: Have Instacart deliver groceries and make sure they accidentally give you a gallon of milk that you didn’t order and don’t drink.
Step 4: Finely chop Shiitake mushrooms. Continue chopping until sections are small enough to fit down the drain. Now throw them down there, because that Shiit is creepy looking and disgusting.
Step 5: Repeat process for cilantro.
Step 6: Google “how to cook quinoa” and skim just enough to get the gist of it.
Step 7: Do the gist of it. Fill a large metal container with water and throw in quinoa. Allow water to boil until half of it has bubbled over the edge and onto your stove (that’s how you know it’s ready).
Step 8: Strain quinoa.
Author’s Note: DO NOT USE YOUR HANDS FOR THIS.
**If you skimmed these instructions “just enough to get the gist of it” and have already strained the quinoa with your hands, google “How to treat third degree burns”. DO NOT listen to Steve on Reddit. Steve is an idiot. His “home remedy” treatment using blue cheese dressing will only lead to an infection.
Step 9: Set aside your perfectly cooked quinoa and begin preparation of your figs. Fill a saucepan with 1/2 cup of unwanted Instacart milk. Add 1 stick of Unsalted Butter. Wonder whether you should be using Salted Butter. Debate about how much salt is in a stick of butter. Pour in however much salt you think that is. Bring to a simmer.
Step 10: Place whole figs into warm, buttery, salty, milk mixture.
Step 11: Cook until figs become a gooey, milky mess that taste like soggy salt chips. Realize you have failed.
(the following steps may happen in any order)
Step 11a: Call your mother.
Step 11b: Question your life choices.
Step 11c: Blame yourself for thinking up this stupid cooking contest in the first place. I mean, why couldn’t it have been a stage directing contest? Or at least a sleight-of-hand card magic contest? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, CHAD?!! WHY CAN’T YOU COOK LIKE AN ADULT? NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU. YOU WILL DIE ALONE, FACE-FIRST IN A BOWLFUL OF FRUIT LOOPS.
Step 11d: Call your mother, again.
Step 11e: Remember that you’re in charge and award yourself 15 bonus stars just for trying.
Step 12: With a new outlook on life (and 15 bonus stars), throw the salty fig chips away. Rinse off the remaining figs and consider that “good enough”.
Step 13: Unwrap the Gin-Gin packages. Eat one while thinking of how grateful you are to any current and future BPP donors. Especially those who are reading this right now and choosing whether to make a donation in support of your dish. Think about how attractive and wonderful they are. And how all they need to do is visit https://mtyc.co/9fo5hg to show their support.
Step 14: Pick the remaining pieces of Gin-Gin out of your teeth with last night’s fork still in the sink.
Step 15: Compile your secret ingredients that you prepared all by yourself, like an adult: hydrated quinoa, rinsed figs, and unwrapped Gin-Gins. Good for you, Chad, you’re not a failure! You will most certainly die alongside someone else…although, likely still face-first in a bowlful of fruit loops.
Step 16: Open up your cupboard and find a can of Chef Boyardee’s Spaghetti O’s with Meatballs. Make sure it’s the one that says “Healthy for Kids” on the label. That way you know it’s healthy. Pour into bowl and heat in microwave for 2min.
Step 17: Stir in hydrated quinoa, rinsed figs, and unwrapped Gin-Gins.
Step 18: Season with Swedish Fish to taste.
Note: Dish tastes best when paired with red wine. Or white wine. Or vodka. Or gin. Or grain alcohol. Or rubbing alcohol.
Step 19: Two hours later, remember to turn off the oven that you never used.